I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
