Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
