please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize