My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
