I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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