I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
