today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So much Jack, so little girl.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
