Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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