the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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