Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
