You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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