There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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