We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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