Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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