I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
