Swine flu. Run for my life!
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize