your parents love me but you hate me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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