the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
