Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
