Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
