Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize