We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
