I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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