He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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