The maid of honor just puked.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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