Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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