Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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