I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize