The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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