What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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