you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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