My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
