Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize