11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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