This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
