Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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