at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
