he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
