I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize