need another drink. this is the easiest way
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
