I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
