I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
