At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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