Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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