I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
