He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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