I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
