so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Acid is not a monday night drug
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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