I met the friendliest cop last night
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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