its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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