we have pet lesbian snakes
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
