im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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