WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
There r osticjed everywhere
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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