I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize