I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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