i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
