Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
