well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
