someone threw a dead crab at me
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Boobs are out for the taking
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
