I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
