Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
