i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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