Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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