capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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