I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
