I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
