First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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