I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
