Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
