you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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