Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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