i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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