You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
